The Quirky Workings of My Mind: The Journey (so far) of a Neurodivergent Middle-Aged Creative

 

About 18 months ago, I was asked by my daughter and her mental health team to take a battery of tests. They had come to the place where they were sure that she was on the Autism Spectrum and, with the idea that it runs in families, I seemed the most likely connection.

I took the tests with both curiosity and enthusiasm after just the slightest hesitation (What... Who... Me?). The results were not surprising in the sense that the: 

ritualism (I have elaborate rituals for my pencils--how many I keep sharpened, how many I have in a separate glass for daily use at once; how I code a paper appointment book with various colors; my interactions with my digital music player, and other aspects/elements of my day)

social doubt and constant replaying of social/familial interactions

racing mind (I don't think I have slept through the night in my life)

compulsive behavior as far as reading (I read typically 15 books at once) and compulsive collection of data 

working 70 to 80 hours a week (and framing almost EVERTHING I do as work)

my various stims (rocking, "playing trumpet" with my fingers on my thumb, mantras and other self-soothing acts) 

constantly quoting movies and songs, doing impressions and accents, and making up songs and raps throughout the day 

and being easily overstimulated

all suddenly made sense in terms of WHY I do these things, which I have done all of my life. Perhaps the most enlightening were the struggles I have with the breaking of my routine and my ability to transition. I like my solitude, my things (more on that in the book excerpts below), and when my routine is disrupted or I have to travel for work, it is very stressful and something I try my best to "get through."

What did surprise me was how "high" I scored on all of these tests. 

I knew from the time that I was 8 that I wanted to be an actor, writer, and storyteller and I pursued these activities all throughout school and into college, where I double majored in Theatre and English Literature. 

When I am not engaged in them, I have a very rich Fantasy Life (Walter Mitty has nothing on me. Nothing.)

I have been fortunate to have worked professionally in numerous creative and literary fields for the past 34 years. Malcolm Gladwell talks about the 10,000 hours for competence in a field. I probably have 30,000. 

I have always had difficulty in social situations and prefer by and large to be alone. Or with my wife of 27 years, my children, or a few cherished friends.

Being an actor, teacher, director, podcaster, and presenter means that I often have to leave my writing room(s), my Sacred Space, my elaborate rituals, to travel. My rituals (I take as many with me as I can) when I stay in hotels, etc. are very important to my staying functional in the hours when I am not working. 

I sleep even less when I am not home.

Airports are fascinating to me... all the people, the rituals of travel... there is so much to look at and take in. So much so, if a flight is delayed, I welcome the opportunity to stay in the airport all night... which makes my wife and children nuts.

Oh, the quirky workings of my mind...

When I do travel, it is such an Event that I try to make the most of the experience (because I will spend the time before the next one Dreading It), but Down Time is essential. I can only take SO MUCH at once, and then I need to sequester. The bard or shaman in his cave. 

The Hero's Journey as set forth by Joseph Campbell (one of my mentors-from-afar) really appeals to me for that reason and countless others. Separation is Hard (it is Transition). Initiation is the Quirky Workings of My Mind's pure joy, and the Return is needed and prolonged. 

I learned about some of the particular needs of the Quirky Workings of My Mind (and nervous system) in my 30s, when I read the Highly Sensitive Person books (and dutifully filled out all the worksheets and quizzes) by Elaine Aron.

But it was not until I took that battery of ASD tests (4 in all) 18 months ago that I really understood how all of my Quirky Workings operate in my life. What functions of protection and  functionality they serve. It was also helpful to read Devon Price's Unmasking Autism and Temple Grandin's The Autistic Brain (like Sherlock Holmes, whom I have written about for the page and stage, I need lots of Data, Data, Data).

So what have I done since getting all of these data?

First, it has helped me to contextualize why some of the things in my life have turned out the way that they have. Why I could be terribly difficult because I was well beyond being overwhelmed. Far too often, as I played at being Normal, I was an open wound and everything was salt. 

I am now well aware of my Limitations. Certain situations where I have to be Out and Exposed often are just not good for me (or the people with whom I interact).

I have reached out to old business partners, collaborators, and theatre company members to let them know I am sorry for the things that I did at my most overwhelmed and to explain just a little about what was going on with me in certain situations.

This has all been met very positively by my closest family and friends (I have only told about 20 people total). It isn't just "Joey being difficult." There are real psychological/environmental factors at play that, for most of my life, I did not understand. That has been a huge blessing.

This is also the time to say that I do not use it as an EXCUSE. If I even start to, my daughter calls me out on it. Rightfully so. There are a few abhorrent people in the headlines these days who also happen to be Autistic and any time there is any implied correlation I cringe. 

I do not see the D in ASD as DISorder at all. If anything I have an overabundance of ORDER. As others have said, these are Superpowers for a person like me. They energize the Creative and that brings me joy and helps me help the world. 

There is no question that my neurodivergency is what led me into the Creative and Literary Arts. 

It makes a ton of sense. 

Another benefit to having taken these tests and learning about what makes my quirky mind so damned Quirky is that I am better able to ask for what I need when I travel, and in family and other social situations. I am also able to talk to my friends, colleagues, and collaborators about what it might be like to engage with and work with me. I ask people to please text before calling and to give me ten minutes or so to transition out of the quirky workings of my mind, where I can be so deep and nested that talking to another human being before I am fully Present can be painful, disorienting, or frustrating for us both.

It is like crawling up from a deep tunnel or descending from orbit. 

My son used to show up at the house in the middle of the work day. I asked him please not to. He understood because of the context that comes with this journey of 18 months.

Ironically, only two people have dismissed all of this out of hand (the overwhelming majority have said "this makes so much sense!")--my two college roommates.

Shows you how good I got at Masking in my teens and early 20s... I used comedy, self-deprecation or the fact that I was a sensitive actor/poet trying to change the world to contextualized the Push-Pull of Private and Public. After all, artists are tortured and overemotional. Moody. Dramatic.

There is obviously, for me, a lot more going on than that.

My understanding of what all of this means is ongoing... I am sure it will never be fully understood, and I actually kind of like that.

And, other than encoding this as the "quirky workings of my mind/brain" in my storytelling book, which I was finalizing for a publisher at the time I took the tests, this is the first time I am publicly mentioning it.

I also learned, just the other day, about something called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (thank you KH!) and I realized that this comes into play for me socially, but not professionally. As a Creative, I have to deal with Rejection and Feedback and Criticism all of the time. It doesn't bother me. It makes me better and helps me achieve my goals. 

But Rejection from individuals, family, friends, strangers at an airport... that can send me stimming and playing loops of the interaction for hours and hours... days and days...

There are awkward moments from my teens that suddenly pop into my head in vivid Technicolor, seemingly out of nowhere. 

I had an impulse to put this out there today. So, I honored it. The book celebrates a year of being out in the world (after a 20-year journey to write it) in 10 days. I hope that this entry (and this blog in general) helps someone in some way, as I hope for all of my interactions, personal and professional. 

The following are excerpts from my book Every Day Is a Story All Its Own (Dimensionfold Publishing, 2024; an Amazon New Release bestseller in several categories) where I encode all of this as the "quirky workings of my mind/brain:

A few years after college, I scored my first directing job. Typical of who I am and what the quirky workings of my mind require, I threw myself into the research and exploration of that aspect of the world of theatre with all the enthusiasm I had for writing and acting.

Another benefit that planning and outlining gets the storyteller is the ability to identify, construct, and strengthen symmetries. The quirky workings of my mind, from the time I was young, have always identified symmetries. I see them everywhere. Nature is the ultimate crafter of symmetry. Out of this awareness of symmetry grew my love of Triads and my pursuit of parallels and patterns through crunching large amounts of data to make sense of the world. It also informed the structure of the Three 3s of Good Storytelling and this book, because symmetry gives a story a strong internal, energetic coherence.

I was incredibly shy when I was young (most social situations still make me uncomfortable; the quirky workings of my brain constantly analyze and judge the intense flood of sensory data I am receiving) and acting is a way to safely self-express.

Many Creatives treat their workspace as a sacred or ritual space. I have been fortunate throughout my career to have a designated room (I currently have three) for my writing, creating, rehearsing, podcasting, and research. Like Hunter S. Thompson and Nick Cave, my workspace is crammed with hundreds of objects from my travels and theatre/film creations, flags, model cars and fantasy figures, and strings of lights. The walls and doors have zero empty space. Photos, maps, quotes, posters, drawings, business cards, emblems, et cetera overlap and inspire, providing not only visual stimulation but serving as a 3D expression of the quirky workings of my mind. Some visitors find it overwhelming. I get the same reaction from some people with whom I converse because of my rapid-fire delivery of details of my research, something recent I have watched or read, or a gesticulating replay of an experience that has me off balance. Never mind the probability that I may spontaneously quote from a film or TV show or channel some character of my own, a favorite actor or comedian, or someone else’s creation… or suddenly burst into song or a spur of the moment rap… 

This empty space [thank you Peter Brook]—be it a film or TV set, rehearsal hall, theatre, or temporarily designated space such as my living room was for years for my theatre company—should be designed to be safe, nurturing, and inspir(it)ing. It can and should be a physical manifestation of the heart- and mind-space the participants wish to occupy, the same way Cave, Thompson, and I designed our writing rooms. I drew you a detailed verbal portrait of mine, which, as a 3D expression of the quirky workings of my brain, is my heart and mind made manifest, making it a place of ceremony and ritual. 

https://www.amazon.com/Every-Day-Story-All-its/dp/1989940897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=SVEDKMALG4CO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.3GYp7gyaVw65MJCdffLUwQ.DgsXdRAFlxbAKbnHsPaPGU-13YsjldmJtcxJJ6lH_Ls&dib_tag=se&keywords=every+day+is+a+story+all+its+own+joey+madia&qid=1740843503&sprefix=%2Caps%2C111&sr=8-1